Today I tried the best burger in Sydney.

I’ve always been amused by signs like this. It makes me think of a world where the tastiness of burgers has a limit – every burger made, no matter how much thought, creativity and freshness involved, can only be so tasty. The limit isn’t very high though so it’s easy for most people to make the best tasting burger in the world. All of these shops have signs outside saying ‘best burger in the world’ and they’re all accurate. After all, they’re the perfect food when watching sports games, and betting on on which is going to win.

But that world doesn’t exist. Instead we have no upper limit to how good a burger can be – so any claim in our world, the real one, about having the best burgers is likely to be inaccurate.

Although definitely not shit – these definitely aren’t the best burgers in Sydney.

We got their most popular burger and the daily special, the Yankee and the Moroccan. The Moroccan’s ingredients were listed as iceberg, mayo, tomato and a squeeze of lime. I asked what made it Moroccan and a vivacious woman said “Moroccan spices”.

I’m usually sceptical of burger flavours based on nationalities – usually the only way to distinguish a a normal burger from a Moroccan burger is the addition of some decade old Masterfoods Moroccan seasoning scattered into the patty.

This patty probably did have a few tokenistic Masterfood slashes in it but it also had buttery hunks of toasted pine nuts and garlic. The patty was great, unfortunately nothing else in the burger was remotely Moroccan, or interesting for that matter.

The Yankee burger was similar. It had the same ingredients only with a classic patty, bacon, cheese and a viscous lake of mustard and ketchup. If you already have ketchup and mustard in a burger, why would you put mayo in?

Beautiful Burgers has 16 burgers, 14 of them have mayo on them. Mayo is the most average condiment on the planet. I have a new rule for the world – henceforth wherever mayo is written on a menu this shall be written instead.

“I’m sorry we don’t understand the conventions of flavour. This dish has been lazily filled with high-cholesterol semen.”

The burgers are so close to being great. If the other ingredients matched the juiciness and taste of the patty then they would be but at around $12 each with no sides – they’re average.

The drinks were similar. The milkshakes are flavoured with those overly sweetened syrups in dish-washing containers and the smoothies are made with frozen fruit. I don’t understand. It’s so easy to make nice things. Why not just use a fresh banana and add some honey and cinnamon? $6 is what you should pay for a great smoothie not some milk and a frozen mango.

I guess I have to come to terms with the fact not every eatery is aiming to produce excellent food. Some places just want to make money and that’s all. They’ll make the food of the requisite quality to sell and that’s that.

They’ve got a nice courtyard with some yggdrasil-like wall vines and a handsome dog that likes lying on the ground. The staff is friendly and the service is exceptional for a cheap and terribly located burger store. Thank you to the lovely lady who made me a smoothie with fresh banana after having to deal with my goading questions about frozen fruit and Morocanness.

Beautiful Burgers isn’t trying to sell itself as anything else so I can’t blame them.

The only strange thing is the sign out front. It’s very ambitious, maybe ‘best burgers in North Chippendale’ or ‘best burgers on Regent street’ would be more accurate.

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